“Adults”

She said she’s not mad at me. What a relief considering I didn’t do anything wrong.

She asked me how I was feeling and if there was anything she could do for me. I said unsolicited massages, blowjobs, sex and/or a lot of money.

Apparently, she didn’t find the humor in that because she didn’t respond. The thing is I was only somewhat being funny. There was seriousness in it, too. I find myself always being the one to initiate sexual contact and I’ve started to feel like maybe she’s not interested in me.

So I responded to her silence, sarcastically suggesting it was a ridiculous request. And she said she’s not gonna have sex with me just cos I’m in a bad mood. Hell, it’s the blowjobs I’m after, not the sex. I can do without intercourse. She doesn’t seem to understand how physical contact can wash a man’s worries away. I guess this is one of those differences between men and women.

Unfortunately, I seem to be giving all the emotions, too. I initiate the conversation, I initiate the physical contact, I seem to be initiating all of it. And I’m tired of always being the one to lead. I’m tired of feeling like I’m tricking her into being around me. People should be able to express themselves, especially to a significant other. We’ve been building up to that and it shouldn’t feel like such a chore all the time. Yet it still does.

So we didn’t talk for a while. My pride made me not want to reach out, to let her be the bigger man and make the first move. But I ended up caving, cos I hate stewing in that kind of annoyance. The world annoys me enough as it is; I don’t need the added frustration.

And it was a quick and meaningless conversation, her, again, not making a choice. So I left it at that.

And now I’m waiting for her to take the lead for a change. Cos we’re both adults here, not just me.

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