“Warm Water”
Sep 19, 2019The water is warm but not as warm as I want it to be. I want it to be scalding hot. I should put my foot in while the tub is filling and it should burn right off. Then I would know the water is hot enough to burn away the rest of my body.
I float in the warm water. I lie still and if I do so long enough I don’t even feel the water. But I want to feel the water. I need to feel sensations. That’s the whole point of me soaking. My chest hurts. It doesn’t stop hurting throughout the day. I try to believe it’s just bone or muscle, but it’s so damn close to my heart. I want the water to soothe me and make the pain go away.
I lie there for hours. The water gets cold. I run more hot water. I soak my chest. I think about soaking my whole head. Go right to the root of all this. But it’s not what I want to do. I just don’t want to feel this pain anymore. There is only so much I can do in one day when my body wants to collapse and my brain wants to cower under the covers. I want to get better but my body and brain are fighting me every step of the way. I lie in the water hoping to silence their fears and desperation. I want us all to come out of this on the other side, rebuilt, reborn like the phoenix. So I have to burn away this body and brain one depressing bath at a time.
In that, I find some comfort.