“Shotgun”

Dave found himself looking down the barrel of a loaded shotgun. A small bird flew above and landed on his left shoulder. He shooed it away, but it just came right back.

“What are you doing, man?” the bird asked.

“None of your damn business,” said Dave.

“It looks to me,” said the bird, “that you are in a bit of a predicament. Why not let me help you out a bit?”

Dave thought about this for a moment. Why shouldn’t he let the bird help him? Was that any crazier than not letting anyone help him? He coughed and some blood sprayed out onto his hand. He knew he didn’t have long. Maybe this bird could do something to ease his pain.

“Sure, fella,” said Dave. “What do you got for me?”

“Open your mouth and hold still,” said the bird.

So Dave opened his mouth, still holding onto the shotgun. The bird flew up and away, disappearing into the sky. Dave looked around for the bird but didn’t see it. He heard a distant voice yelling, “open your mouth and look up.” Dave opened his mouth and looked up.

The bird flew down from the sky like a missle. Dave didn’t even have time to flinch as the bird flew down his throat. Dave closed his mouth, grabbing his neck, and dropped to his knees. What the fuck just happened?? A searing acidic pain shot through his abdomen, and he felt the bird knocking around in his stomach.

From inside, a muffled voice said, “when I say ‘now,’ you open your mouth and look up again.”

Dave had no idea what was going on. He winced and said okay. Stomach acid started leaking from the corners of his mouth, burning his chapped lips.

NOW!

Dave opened his mouth and looked up. He felt a ripping pain as his abdomen tore open. A geyser of stomach acid shot out of his mouth, followed by the bird, followed by the intestines the bird had in its mouth.

If Dave could have looked down, he would have seen into his open body and watched his organs unravel themselves. But Dave could only continue looking up toward the heavens as the bird flew higher and higher, pulling his intestines along.

Then the bird swooped back down. Shock flowed through Dave’s body, and he couldn’t feel anything anymore. The bird circled around him, round and round, coming closer with each revolution. Dave could feel his large intestines pulling at his rectum through his throat as the bird started tightening the intestines around him, tighter and tighter, wrapping him up like a mummy.

Dave didn’t realize how much intestine he had. The bird wrapped him up completely except for a small area around his eyes. The bird, no more intestines in his mouth, flapped its wings and hovered in front of Dave’s face.

“Now make a wish and close your eyes,” said the bird.

Before Dave even thought about making a wish, he exploded.

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