These are not stories.

My eyes had been heavy for weeks, probably months, maybe even years, and my eyelid wouldn’t stop twitching. I was trying to wake up but having a really hard time of it. The dreams were vivid every night. I’d wake up in a sweat, silently screaming, glad to be awake, but wishing I could fall back asleep.

I had to piss so I forced myself out of bed, lest I piss the bed again. One night-terror piss is plenty when you’re a grown man.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror before turning my attention to the toilet. When I finished, I stood in front of the mirror. I let the faucet run as I stared at the mess of myself: hair, greasy, all over the place; creases on my face where the skin folded itself into the pillows. There was a constant ache on the left side of my face where I ground the back teeth of my twisted jaw. There was a constant pain in my neck from where I slept crooked, never able to find comfort, eventually passing out in the worst possible position.

The twitch had increased in frequency, and I tried to ignore it, but this morning it was too much. I leaned in close to the mirror. Nothing. Why didn’t it ever move when I wanted to see it move? I wondered. I’ll just sit here all day if I have to because I need to know i’m not going crazy. I looked down at the water running in the sink, running over hardened specks of toothpaste that weren’t going to be washed down unless I poked them with my fingers.

...there! The twitch! I felt it and missed it again! I continued staring at my face, determined not to miss the next one.

It twitched again, violently. I stared at it and knew I wasn't going crazy. I watched it pulsate for a few minutes before realizing I was desperately late for work and needed to get moving.

Quick shower. Towel off. Wipe the mirror. Twitching eyelid. Clothes on. Brush teeth. Twitching eyelid. Need to get to the train.

I despised the train in the morning, especially when I was late for work. Everyone moved slower, and I found my attempts at getting around the dawdlers to be futile. Every person I managed to get around just led to another who insisted on blocking my path. The people on the train were despicable. They all smelled and looked and acted gross. Have none of you heard of using a bathroom like a civilized person? Cut those fingernails, brush those teeth, pop those zits, put on that awful eye shadow, at home, like a normal human being! I was surrounded by cretins, standing too close and touching my leg, my arm, my hand. Have you no decency, sir, no sense of personal space? You have plenty of space to your left, move the fuck away!

It was going to be another long day. My head was throbbing, my eyelid wouldn’t stop twitching, and the boss was mad at me for god knows what. I always tried my hardest and it was never enough.

I survived. Again. Somehow. I made my way back to the train, trying to ignore another shit day.

The streets were crowded with tourists and homeless and young and old staring at their phones, all trying to figure out where to go in life and how to best prevent me from going on with my own. I just wanted to get on the train and get home and fall into my bed and do it all again tomorrow.

My head was still throbbing and my eyelid was still twitching. It hadn’t stopped all day. I hoped I could ignore it, but Jared wouldn’t let me. Jared was a fuckface. Jared thought I should be down on my knees all day with my head between his legs. Jared didn’t care that I didn’t sleep well and had a constant headache and that my eyelid had been twitching for what feels like forever. Jared just wanted his reports and wanted the numbers fudged so that his stupid company appeared to be making a profit. And I did it cos that’s the kind of bitch I was. I did it cos jared paid me enough money to live in this stupid city where every fifth day of the week I could treat myself to a couple slices and an expensive bottle of Jameson that wouldn’t last more than a couple days. Jared got to go home to his hot wife he didn’t give two shits about, while I got to go home to my empty, lonely studio, and jerk off to my fantasies of fucking Jared’s hot wife.

The peace at the end of my day was watching the rats scurry about while I waited for the train. There was a mischief that lived inside a utility box at the far end of the platform, far enough from the station entrance to keep the finance bros and screaming high school girls away.

I stood against a beam about ten feet away, not wanting to disrupt the rats’ routine. They came out, one at a time. There were six of them. I imagined they were a father, mother, brother, sister, and a baby being looked after by a grandmother. The father was always out first, surveying the scene, making sure there weren’t too many humans around. The rest followed and they would all scurry down into the tracks, looking for food to bring back to their home.

I watched the father sniff a discarded White Castle soda cup. He moved to a half-eaten apple core—too healthy. He rummaged through unrecognizable garbage. This side of the track, underneath, over to the other side of the track. The wife and son and daughter followed. They all rediscovered the items the father already had; they agreed with his assessment of leaving the items be.

I shifted to the other side of my beam and saw the grandmother poking her head out of the box, sniffing the air to make sure her family was safe. The baby squeezed underneath her, looking up at her, mimicking her actions. The sound of hooting and hollering at the other end of the station sent the baby hurrying back inside.

The mother and son and daughter came running back, up the side of the tracks, into their home, one after the other, squeezing their fat bodies effortlessly through the tiny crack that was their door.

The father came trudging after, pulling half a calzone. From what I could see, it was filled with maggots and looked like it would feed the family for a few days. I wasn’t sure how he got it up onto the platform, but he seemed to have expended all of his energy because he was now struggling to pull the food the final few feet to their home. The son and daughter ran back out to help their father. The three of them grabbed bits of calzone in their little mouths and pulled, inch by inch.

The loudspeaker announced the arrival of the my train, and the son and daughter, startled, ran back into their home. The father, startled but experienced, paused, looked around, saw me staring at him, flashed his dark eyes at me, blinked, and continued pulling the calzone towards home.

I hadn’t thought about it for a while but suddenly realized my eyelid was twitching worse than ever.

The son and daughter returned to help their father. I moved a few feet away, not wanting to get in their way.

WHAM! went the calzone as some motherfucker in a suit kicked it onto the track, and the lady draped on his arm screamed as she noticed the rats running for cover. The wind swept my hair as the train pulled past me. I glared at the asshole and his lady—they didn’t notice me because she was too busy rewarding her hero with public displays of affection—and cursed the day they were born. The train pulled away, and the rats were out of sight.

I was so tired. I got off at my stop and pushed my way up the steps of the station, pushed my way through the carousel, pushed my way out into the cool evening air. I could breathe for a moment and didn’t feel the need to hurry the two blocks to my apartment.

My building smelled like rotting cheese and I stumbled up the stairs to my apartment, breathing through my mouth. My eyelid was twitching and I headed for the bathroom. I ran cold water and splashed it on my face. I washed the grime of the city off my hands and touched my eye. Why won’t this stupid eyelid stop twitching?!

Suddenly, my face warped and something moved inside my skull. I jumped back, horrified. I knew I was tired, but this was not a dream. I leaned in. My eyelid had stopped twitching, but I could see something moving inside my eye socket. A whiskered nose! What the fuck! I jumped back again, continuing to stare at myself in the mirror. I watched my face warp again and let out a scream.

A rat poked its head out from inside my eye socket. The eyeball was red. Blood was running down onto my cheek.

I closed my eyes and fell to the ground. My head was throbbing and my eye was stretching wide open. In horror, I watched the rat squeeze its fat body from inside my head. I had never felt this much pain before. The rat turned to look at me and stared deep into my soul.

I heard the sound of an oncoming train. I blinked and the rat was gone. I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the bystanders staring down at me from the platform, expressions of shock covering their faces. “Oh my god, there’s a guy on the track!” “Was he pushed?!” “Did he fall?!” A young girl reached her hand toward me, but it was too far away. I turned my head and looked into the bright lights as the train horn blared goodnight.

1. <<  Previous